Tales of the Parodyverse

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L!
Sat May 08, 2004 at 04:02:29 pm EDT
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Proctology 3.0, Part 1
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Proc·tol·o·gy: 1. a branch of medicine dealing with the structure and diseases of the anus, rectum, and sigmoid colon 2. a super-villain team from the Parodyverse. Who's membership has included: Swingy, Master of the Swinging Arts, the Undead Living Statement!, Pudu Lad, Star-Fish, the Undead Mr Ed, Spleen Splitter, Thighmaster & spiffy2.

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In the Ballard district of the city of Goth Haven, There is a major center of the city's enhanced human* population. It's a bar called Common Grounds, a place anyone can go but it mostly caters to the enhanced human population of Goth Haven. Common Grounds looks like & is your typical bar, there is nothing to denote that enhanced humans hang out there, except for the costumes that most of the the patrons wear.

* WRITER'S NOTE: "Enhanced Human" is a term used by Goth Haven City Hall to describe Super Heroes & Super Villains. They don't see what is so "Super" about them.

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Outside of Common Grounds, a few men are working on the the building. The owner of Common Grounds, Arnie J. is supervising their work.

"Ok, guys. A little to the left. Now, a little to the right."

"So, What's happening ?" said a voice.

"I'm getting a new sign put up. The old one was falling apart. "

"Oh."

Arnie turns to see who he is speaking to & no one was there.

"Sorry." A voice said. Then a person slowly appeared. The person was a tall, skinny boy with messy orange hair. He was wearing a two toned jumpsuit (Red & white) with matching boots & gloves. He is wearing a yellow plastic utility belt & googles.

"Semitransparent Lad, how many times have I told you to not walk up to people in Semitransparent mode."

"I don't know, 20 or more times." Semitransparent Lad (STL) said.

Then STL walked inside the bar & once inside, he had to give up his utility belt & all other equipment to Lars, the doorman. One of the few rules at Common Grounds is that no Enhanced Human can use there equipment or powers within the bars walls. STL gives his stuff to Lars, he then puts the stuff in a cubby hole behind him & places a neon green plastic bracelet around STL's right wrist. The bracelet is a inhibitor bracelet. The bracelets does three things. One, it stops the wearer from using there powers with inside Common Grounds. Two, It tells the bartender if you can legally aloud to drink or not & Three, there numbered. So, Lars knows which cubby hole he put the wearer's stuff in.

STL walks over to the bar & sits down at a stool.

"What'll you have ?" asks Kirk, the bartender.

"Uh, beer."

"What type ?"

"Huh?"

"There is more then just one type of beer, so which one ?"

"I don't know, a cheep one."

Kirk pours a cheep beer into a frosty, cold mug & hands it to Semitransparent Lad.

As STL drinks his beer, he watches the fish in the fish tank that is behind the counter.

------------------

From across the bar, a man yells.

"Hey, Barkeep! Another round of beers for me & my friends"

He was yelling from one of the booths. He was dressed similar to a scarecrow but with black wings on his back. His name is Stratos-Fear, he is one of the many super villains that populate Goth Haven. Like most of the villains, Stratos-Fear rents himself out to other super villains for a fee or service. So far, Stratos-Fear hasn't got to work with any big league super villains like The Hooded Hood, Balefire or HERPES but someday he hopes to.

The friends Stratos-Fear is referring to are: Dr. Thane Hunter, who also goes by the name of Timeline. Next to Dr. Hunter is the villain known as Cliché. Next to him is Phineus McCorkle, The Pilgrim Commando & a man who none of the others know, but introduced himself as Ned. He's the youngest person as the table & maybe in the bar. Most of the group sitting at the table are super villains currently looking for jobs or waiting to be called upon by there respective teams, Ned said he was just looking for someone to have a drink with. They were all wearing the infamous Common Grounds neon green plastic inhibitor bracelets. On the table is a complementary bowl on pretzels on the table, most of them are eating from it.

Dr. Hunter has the Goth Haven Times on the table. He is dressed up in his chronial jumpsuit. On his chest is the symbol of an hourglass with a clock face surrounding it. The suit is a dark purple with a brunt orange as an accent color. He is currently looking at the classified section. The GHT has a section of the classified ads devoted to jobs for enhanced humans. "Hey, here's something!" He said pointing to an ad.

The group turn there attention to him.

"Wanted: Henchmen or Henchwoman for manual & degrading work. Must be willing to submit to all commands no matter how ridiculous they maybe. Also, must be willing to move to a small european country & cut off at communication to the outside world. Also, they much be willing to be beating up by assorted super heroes. It doesn't pay much but it does have full medical & dental coverage." Dr. Hunter said. "Let's see what else, Oh.." He said, then his voice just dropped off.

"What ?" Cliché said, It sounds like his type of job.

"You need a degree in Henching & five years experience with an established super villain."

"Oh, that." Cliché said & then takes a drink of his beer. "Why do they always want henchpeople with experience, where are the entry level henchmen jobs?" He said, then taking another drink. Cliché was bit drunk at this moment.

"I don't know. I think it's the economy. Most super villains are cutting back on the hiring of goons & the only jobs out there now are for specialized henchperson jobs or being your own boss, which doesn't pay well. You don't see a really return on your effort until year three, most people can't wait that long." Stratos-Fear said.

"I had a job like that once, being with a super villain. But I wasn't a henchmen, I was a teammate." Ned said as he saw someone he knew. He didn't feel like going over to talk to him.

" Cool." Stratos-Fear said then turned & yelled, "Hey, Barkeep, Where's our beer ?"

It's Monday morning & scattered around the place are assorted villains with nowhere to go. Most are passed out from the festivities of the night before. There are few villains awake, besides the one's at Stratos Fear's table. There is Wang the Conqueror is at his usual corner booth, he's muttering to himself about his next master plan, it includes a round robin some how, most people who come to the bar try to avoid him. At one of the tables near the door, Canadian Nightmare is enjoying a finely crafted Canadian beer. Balefire & Thighmaster are arm wrestling at another booth with Browning serving a referee. The Birthday Bandit is sitting at a table, looking through his palm pilot to see who's birthday it is today.

"TroutTrout! Who the heck is TroutTrout?" He yelled.

At the counter is The Chronicler of Stories, he is having a cup of coffee. In the opposite corner of the bar from Wang, sits a pale man dressed in white. He had a white suit on, white shoes & even had white hair. He mumbles something & the drink he has been drinking starts to change color.

Most of the heroes that were there at the bar have gone off to fight the never ending battle against evil, but some are still there.

"~Come on! Wake up! We got a Lair Legion meeting to get to, I don't like to be late. It's not my fault you decided to bar hop & get so drunk, you pass out.~" Cressida said trying to wake up dull thud, her partner.

A young woman, Sarah (according to her name tag), walks over to Stratos-Fear's table with four beers on a tray, Cliché & Ned has been milking the same drink (Cliché had Beer, Ned had Sprite) the last couple time Sarah has come over with new drinks.

"Here you go, guys." she said as placed the beers on the table, then asked." Should I put this on your tab, SF ?"

"Yeah. I'll pay the bar back the next time I get paid."

"Which will be when ?"

"Soon." Stratos-Fear said, then he took a drink to avoid further questioning.

Sarah knew there was no use in arguing with him. So, she walks away from the table & heads to the back room. As she walks she thinks, "Have we always had that Cactus ?"

Just then the front door opened & a shorter then average man walks in.

"Gnome!" said half of the bar, including Kirk.

"How's it going, Gnome ?" asked Kirk.

"Well, pally boy. In this dog eat dog world, I must be wearing milk bone underpants." Gnome said as he walked over & got onto his stool. Gnome has a reserved stool, it's not official or anything, it's just the one he always sits on & everyone knows it. If someone is sitting on his stool when he comes into the bar & they don't move, he'd kill them.

Kirk let's out a laugh & then brings over a frosty mug of Gnome's usual. Gnome will that milk beer until it gets dark outside & then he goes home to his wife. Gnome does this about everyday, it changes slightly from day to day.

------------------

Awhile later, Kirk turns on the TV set (it's is mounted to the wall behind the counter) because the bar was too quiet & that's never good. The bar needs background noise & the jukebox is broken.

"On the next Oprah, I have a in-depth chat with Omni-Mayor, Mark Hopkins about his life as Omni-Mayor, a super hero & a man. Later on today's show, I talk with the band Inflatable Monkey about there current world tour & they preform there latest hit for us. Also.." said Oprah's voice as the TV showed a scene of Oprah with spiffy & then a scene of Oprah with Inflatable Monkey with there instruments in the background.

*click*

Kirk turns the dial to the next channel.

"It picks up this bowling ball like it was a small cat holding a bowling ball. It's that amazing." said a British man in a nasally voice. The man is using the vacuum (he is selling) to pick up a small cat holding a bowling ball. An amazed Suzanne Summers looks on.

*click*

"Would like to make money in your spare time, well I know how. But, the cops found out & now I am doing 10 to 20 years in jail for forgery. So, take it from me. Don't do it." said a man who was wearing a orange jumpsuit.

As the man is being taking back to his cell by some guards, an announcer says "A public service announcement from the council for a better life by way of public service announcements."

*click*

"The winner of the Alan Rickman contest is this man right here, Mr. Ian Watson. How do you feel ?"

"Re-Run" Kirk says then flips the channel.

*click*

"Now, Jerry. Why don't you just go out with Elaine tonight, take her to a nice restaurant, there's one a few blocks from her apartment. You also take this axe, you know what happens next. BAM! Our problem is solved."

"No, Kramer. Killing Elaine is not going to cover up the the death of George any more then the death of Newman will cover it up."

#Laughter#

*click*

".. Cowboy Buddy's just off the interstate, we are a family friendly restaurant, feel free to bring the kids, grandma & everyone else in your family. Come enjoy something from our new Atkin's approved menu like.."

*click*

".. seal blubber. Our sun tan lotion contains no seal blubber." Said a blond girl, scantily clad in a gold colored bikini, with a slight whine to her voice. She sqwerts some lotion of the bottle & rub it on her.

*click*

"Come along. You belong. Feel the fizz. We have been waiting for you." Said a group of people (dressed up as soda cans) all together in one monotone voice. They were starring directly into the camera & not moving. The logo for soda appeared on the screen & at the bottom of the screen it read " Available anywhere where you see the giant blue walrus."

*click*

Kirk stops on ESPN & then goes back to cleaning the counter.

------------------

Meanwhile outside in the alleyway behind Common Grounds. Sean, one of the Common Grounds employee's is taking an unscheduled cigarette break.

Sean see beside the dumpster a pile of bones. Sean is a bit puzzled about them, they looked vaguely animal like. Then the bones start to move & form a skeleton. Sean ran back inside.

-------------

Ned looks at his watch & then gets up from the booth. He starts to take off his shirt.

"Hey, Ned. What are you doing ?" Stratos-Fear asks.

"Changing." Ned says with a smirk on his face while he takes of his jeans.

Underneath his clothes, Ned was wearing a costume. It is a dark brown in color with a light orangeish brown as an accent color. On his chest is a symbol that looks like a deer paw print. The costume looked a bit fuzzy. He had black leather boots on, too.

"Um, can I have the attention of the awake members of the bar.!" Ned said a bit nervously. Most of the people turn to look at Ned. The Chronicler doesn't move, he doesn't care.

"Hello!" He says & waves to the group.

"My name is Pudu Lad."

No one really did anything, they weren't sure what to do. Thighmaster knew who he was. He also noticed that Ned got a new costume.

"I'm the interim leader of the team known as Proctology, maybe you have heard of us ?"

"Hey, are that team that spiffy keep on defeating ?" said a bar patron.

"Yes, Yes we are. Me & my team are here to rob this bar."

The people that are the booth with Pudu Lad look at each other & Dr. Hunter says "Hey, we never agreed to be your team ?"

"I know." Pudu Lad said, then yelled," Cactus Chef block the back exit."

The Cactus Sarah noticed earlier (now with a chef's hat on) fell over, blocking the back door.

"Thank You!"

"Star-Fish, take out the Bartender!" Pudu Lad yelled.

A starfish in the fish tank behind the bar began to grow & continued to grow until it broke the glass sides of the tank, the water rushed everywhere. Star-Fish continued to grow until he about 6 feet tall. Then, noticing that he was no longer in water, fell over to soak up the water on the floor & in process fell on the bartender.

"Good Job!" Pudu Lad said as he gave Star-Fish a thumbs up.

Some people tried to leave but when they opened the front door, a skeleton of a horse stood there.

"What, you think this skeleton will scare us ?" said one of the people at the door.

"No, But I think the Undead Mr. Ed could scare you ?"

The skeleton started to move, He lets of a "Neigh" & lifted himself on to his hind hoofs. The people ran back to there seats.

"Now, Undead Living Statement, you know what to do!" Pudu Lad said.

The pale man in white who was sitting in the corner booth got up & stood next to Pudu Lad.

"Hey, if he's undead, shouldn't he not have the word 'living' in his name ?" asked one drunk patron.

"I was the Living Statement, then I died & came from the dead. So, I became the Undead Living Statement, ok ?" ULS said.

"No, you should take the 'living' part out your name since your not, you know, Living."

"Ah, go to hell." The Undead Living Statement said, then the person disappeared.

"Now, people. I'm going to take all you money now, is that ok with you ?"

"No!" most people said.

"I now have everyone's money in this bag." The Undead Living Statement said as he held out a large beige sack which was filled with money.

The Bar Patrons looked at him oddly but they checked their wallets & purses and sure enough they had no money with them.

"Thank you!"

Pudu Lad whispers in The Undead Living Statement's ear.

"Oh, Ok." ULS says. "Pudu Lad, you now have a fishbowl."

Then, Pudu Lad walked over to the counter, leaned over it & said, "Yo, Star. If you can hear me, shrink down & I can put you this fish bowl."

Star-Fish started to shrink. Once he was manageable, Pudu Lad picked him up off the floor & dropped him in the bowl. Star-Fish started to gurgle again.

"Your welcome."

Then, Pudu Lad gives The Undead Living Statement Star-Fish's Bowl & Pudu Lad walks over to Cactus Chef, scoops back in some soil that had fallen out of his pot & then picked him up by his pot. "Well, Thanks for a wonderful monday morning!" Pudu Lad says to the bar patrons.

He starts to walk out the door with the rest of his team but Lars, the doorman, stops them.

"Lars, Go to breakfast. You look like you need it." The Undead Living Statement says. Lars then disappears & reappears at a diner down the street.

Proctology walk out the door & down the street (in the opposite direction of Lars) to there awaiting van. Pudu Lad puts down Cactus Chef to get the keys out of one of his costume's pockets. He left nothing in the clothes he left at Common Grounds, he thinks. Sitting in the back of the van is the last member of Proctology, Hobo Volvo. He didn't go with the group because he didn't feel like it. HV was asleep until the voices of his teammate woke him up.

"Did it go well ?" He asked as he opened the sliding door on the van.

"Yeah, Could have gone better but it was ok." ULS said.

"True. But, now we have money for a hotel room." Pudu Lad said.

Ed got in the van. Then, Chef & Star were helped in by ULS & Pudu Lad, they sat in the front seats. Pudu Lad drove the van, he get his license last month & uses it when ever he can. He drive off into The Sunset. Pudu Lad then puts the van in reverse & then drives off down the road. The Owner of The Sunset restaurant, runs out of the store to yell at them but they were gone by then.

------------------

Back inside Common Grounds,

"Browning, were leaving." Thighmaster said as finished his arm wrestling match with Balefire.

"Yes, sir." Browning said.

"Balefire, consider this match a tie."

Thighmaster knew his former teammates plans & only came to the bar to see them rob the place, arm wrestling Balefire was just an added bonus. Thighmaster had Browning put a few dollars on the table as a tip, which Balefire then took for himself.

--------------

Later, at the temporary headquarters of Proctology, a fifth floor Motel room at the Holland Daze Inn. Cactus Chef is standing in a corner of the room, not because he did anything wrong, he's just standing there. Star-Fish is floating around in the bathtub. Ned is laying on one bed & Undead Living Statement is laying on the other, they are both watching TV. There watching the news to see they're reported on. Ed is laying in his duffle bag (as a bunch of bones) at the foot of ULS's bed. After Ed died the second time, he found that he could break down to his bones & then reassemble himself later. That power makes him ideal for traveling. The money the team got that morning was at the foot of Ned's bed. Hobo Volvo had a room of his own, he has a smell that most of the group didn't really like to smell for prolonged periods.

"We've watched four different channel's news but not a single mention of us. What does it take to get noticed in this town ?" ULS said.

Star-Fish gurgled.

"No, we don't do that. At least not for attention." Ned said.

Then there was a muffled noise coming from Ed's bag.

"Yes, Ed ?" ULS said as he unzipped the bag.

"What are we going to do with the money ?" Ed asked again.

"Well, we paid for this room & it's paid up for the next couple days. So, we could spend it on some stuff here in town. I've always wanted to try room service." Ned said.

"Or, I could just say we do get stuff from around town & save up the money for something big like an actual Headquarters." ULS said.

"That would be cool." Ned said.

"Yeah, then I could have a stable of my very own." Ed said, thinking about the stable.

"We could get an aquarium for Star, a green house kitchen for Chef and.. Uh, what would you get, Joe ?" Ned asked.

Jonas AKA The Undead Living Statement wrote down something on a pad of paper next to him & then handed what he wrote down to Ned.

"Hmm, yeah. That would good. I'd just live a place of my own, place where I could keep my stuff instead of keeping it in storage."

Star-Fish gurgled.

"No, Star. Where not going to have Jonas speak our dream home & get it like that. Were going to work for it, we have standards."

Star-Fished gurgled, again.

"Yes, even if were working as Villains. Never really liked that word anyways."

"What word, villains?" Ed said.

"Yeah. Were not evil, I think villain denotes evil. Were not evil, just a bit misguided."

Just then on the TV, there is a breaking news report on the Lair Legion. They had just foiled some super villain's Plan, none of them recognized the villain & they were having problems recognizing the Lair Legion, most of the members shown were new. Then an idea pops into Ned's head, he starts to smile.

"Yeah, that's what we'll do!" Ned says out loud.

----------------

What will they do & how does it connect to the Lair Legion ? Well, you'll just have to read the next part of Proctology 3.0, Coming sometime in the future!

----------------


FOOTNOTES:

Proctology's last story appearance was written by ManMan & you can read it here.

The Undead Living Statement wrote down his wish home because as seen here & in other stories, what ever he says comes true. So, Jonas was trying to avoid some property damage that his wish might cause. Also, The Undead Living Statement has a real name but it has not been revealed until now, it's Jonas. His last name will have to wait for another time.

Hobo Volvo (who is not connected to any of the mysterious HV figures who have appeared throughout history) is a homeless man that can transform into cars, mostly Volvos. Hobo Volvo, or Carl as he also likes to be called, is also an excellent mechanic. More on him later.

Who is TroutTrout ? TroutTrout is a trout & the ManMan of the fish world. TroutTrout has the combined powers of 10 fish. His owner, Lee, carries him around in a fish bowl. Lee is the Knifie to TroutTrout's ManMan. I haven't actually written a story about TroutTrout & Lee but they have been mentioned before in my stories.

Cliché has been seen menacing Ham-Boy before. Pilgrim Commando was last seen in the story writing by me & ag called Meat & Potatoes. Pilgrim Commando called himself Turkey Killer at the time.

Stratos-Fear, Timeline & Semitransparent Lad make there first story appearances here, more on them later (maybe).


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